Today I checked my Myspace and I saw an era end. For me, twas the final blow, and the last leg cracked.

Yesterday I saw something new. I saw something change. I saw life move forward.

I was not, so I took a step. I communicated. I spoke. I wove words as I have not before. I explained. I debated. I considered. I reconciled. I finalized. Understanding.

I hope something good comes out of that, for I have stepped off that path. I'm without a love once again, without a significant other. That era has passed. I feel as if I'm in a soft repose, and I'm left to face my shadow.

I'm left with the ideas that slosh about in the wake of the happenings of the present, broken relics of the past. I'm left with the figures and ideas and what words they speak to me. What could have happened in the future, what should have happened in my own mind.

Regardless of the reality.

The shadow wills. The shadow wills pain, anguish, disharmony. Peace has been broken in my mind. The erosion has been too much, and the thick shell has cracked and been razed. I am wholly exposed, the wound growing thick and cancerous. Oh the pain to reach in and claw it out. STOP! STOP I SAY! But it heeds not.

Stop!

...stop!


................stop


And now what do I do? As I did in the past... the blade has been pulled out. The edge begins to slice at that organ that I once used to love. Memories, hardships, lust, peace, happiness, content, joy...

As if some sort of disturbed surgeon I place myself on the white table... the light above me and the mirror to my side. I can hear the latex begin to stretch and crunch as I pick up the scalpel. I look upon it, my eyes red with tears yet none escape...

I reach down and feel the soft, rotting flesh give way instantly.

I feel the cold metal slide past muscle and fat.

It's inside me.

I feel the tip cut into those organs....

Hot June day, a walk through the desert....

Cool July day, biking through the rain....

Sweet summer day, exposed near a sun-lit window

Beautiful summer, reading manga next to each other

A tear falls. I can feel the cuts.... oh... oh.... numbing cuts...

Sweet Mondays, food with a mother

Hot afternoons, a welcome kiss at the door

Gentle rain, the earth sprouts under my hand

Gorgeous sunsets, photos at the park

Nightfall on a swing

CUT CUT CUT CUT

HACK SLICE REND

TEAR RIP GUT nerves writhe.

Blood burns. Bile spills out.

Cool mornings, awakening to a face

Nights together, alone as one

Days, days holding hands

Weeks with the sweet kiss

Humble nights going home on my bike

Content afternoons, sliced meat between bread

Oh, great spirits of the world, guide my blade true.

Blood gushes onto my hands.

Nights on the freeway.

Evening at the movie theatre.

Late nights with Perfect Dark

...synapses recoiling. Ancient memories flood....

Laughter searching YTMND

Holding under the stars....

I got you.

..
... I gasp, blood seeping with eyes open upwards. I clench the blade. I can feel the bile flowing out.

The last cut...

....

Synapses slow, buzzing softly. And with a quiet terror I slip my fingers in.

There is a low tone whispering in the room, a tangible thinking, a watching.

Whispers come from all around in this room of solitude.

I can feel it in me, its warmth dying away slowly. It is soft, innocent. I've cut myself from it, but I can still caress the flickering embers of hope. I pinch it. It flinches.

I close my eyes and slowly slide it out of me, letting it hit the floor with a soft thud. The memories I have fade as I look at it. I can almost hear its last whispers... why? And I see it, and though it is coated with blood... though I can see my cuts in it... I still see the purity it once was. The dream it had developed into.

My memories slowly lose color.

Once frozen, they now flow away from me.

I pick it up gently.
...
...
I take a shaky step forwards. I can move now.

Thank you for the memories, hope, and inspiration.

I move on.

And I feel it.

Hope remains. New growth. New futures.

I wash my hands.

They are clean.