Mood: w00t
Listening to: Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

I should be going to bed now but for some reason I felt compelled to write up a journal.

Well, firstly, I'd like to thank for the delicious subscription. It makes for a rather lovely birthday gift. Oh yeah, secondly, it was my birthday the other day. July 19th. Thanks to everyone for wishing me happy birthday, though I got most of them on Myspace.

Anyways, I should be having some art to submit here soon. I've left my sketchbook at Courtney's house. Aside from her company, I can actually sit down and get my wits together and focus on my artwork. The last six weeks have been incredible for me, and I feel great. So great I actually am writing about it.

I knew one other guy here on deviantart that actually wrote up a journal on this subject. I remember envying him really. I wasn't sure what really made him write it, but I think I'm getting it now. He was a most modern chivalry type, like me. Actually, I can't believe I'm writing this because I usually don't feel it necessary to say it, but its almost like I want to announce it for some reason. I guess it is because I feel whole again, complete.

I never felt that another person should complete someone, but instead should compliment and build up one another than "fill gaps". This also seems to be the case, and I don't feel cracked anymore. And I mean cracked from the years. I feel energized, I feel almost invincible. The world's my oyster, so to speak. I have something to fight for, something to throw myself into. I get things done, and I get them done well.

I don't feel that subtle visciousness or anger being active. It is always there, but when Courtney is around... it is gone. My rage softens to a whisper. Saying she's my greatest weakness would be improper, as she isn't a weakness. I have boundaries and even under the most chaotic situations the roar in my head turns into a dull whisper. But its as if the malicious fire has gone, and a new kind has been rekindled. I feel inspired and my art has been indicating this so far. I've started reading again and I am competant... but she takes some wind out to keep me from going out of control.

I guess I feel balanced now. I used to get lethargic easily, and I'd be edgy most of the time when morning comes. Now morning is here and I have something to look forwards to and even my parents have taken notice. I had this visual of a massive machine rusting in some junk yard, lacking power. Now I'm at her side, my engines glowing with power. My joints squeaked at first, but over the last 6 weeks she's oiled 'em up and punched out my dents.

Pleding one to have faith in love is a lot to ask.

I know... it seems like an incredible promise. We live in a world where we have to have a warranty to guarantee a product's success or it falls apart. We have instant coffee, snak paks, instant food, and drive thu service. We want it immediately and after we're done with it we throw it away. Everything has to be hot, fresh, and "exciting" every moment otherwise we lose interest. I've noticed this behavior in many places, and I've seen it embraced socially. It's like we require relationships to be high impact and upon hitting bumps, we disregard it.

Instead of stepping back and fixing a problem we let it degrade as is the case with a particular someone I won't name here. But his mistake was not giving a shit anymore. He lost faith and let love rot into nothing. The foundations collapsed and the whole thing came down. I've seen it before.

The relationships I've seen last had their problems... but now that I write this down I see that despite their problems they keep the pillars strong. They don't let it fall apart, even with issues and problems flying in their faces. They don't let it decay. My mother still gave my father a lot of kisses before she left on their trip, and I could tell my father was going to miss her even if he sees her everyday for years on end. My mother still gets a bit excited when he comes home from work, even if he's been doing it for years.

They didn't let the fire die.

I can't believe I didn't see it before. This fire isn't the "blazing" image many of us see. It probably isn't even a fire, but like a spark. Even when the fire is "dim" the wood is still smouldering with heat. When that heat is gone... then the real trouble starts.

Knowing that and thinking about that now gives me an even greater fulfillment and peace because I'm dedicated to keep it warm, that's my faith and that's my pledge. I feel even more capable on holding that promise on my part. It takes work, as anything does to make it last but I'm more than willing to stoke the fires I'd also like my friends that have kept the "fires" of friendship going through the years. The same applies here, but to a lesser degree naturally. Thanks to you guys, and take my words to heart (except you , since you already know all this )

I love you Courtney :3

Take care everyone, and good luck to you all!


-James out

------
Monarch of Gods and Daemons, and all Spirits
But One, who throng those bright and rolling worlds
Which Thou and I alone of living things
Behold with sleepless eyes! Regard this Earth
Made multitudinous with thy slaves, whom thou
Requitest for knee worship, prayer, and praise
And toil, and hecatombs of broken hearts,
With fear and self-contempt and barrn hompe;
Whilst me, who am thy foe, eyeless in hate,
Hast thou made reign and triumph, to thy scorn,
O'er mine own miser and thy vain revenge.
-Percy Bysshe Shelly, Prometheus Unbound